Co-parenting is the situation when after divorce or separation, two parents share responsibility for the child(ren)’s upbringing. As you can well imagine, this can be complicated and difficult. It’s hard enough for married couples to agree on how to raise a child. How much more when both parties live apart and possibly do not get along? Pamela Layug Laney outlines how she made co-parenting work for her and her ex-husband.

How to Make Co-Parenting Work

I am proud to announce that my ex-husband and I have been happily unmarried for nearly 7 years! Our son was only 3 years old when we divorced, and the time immediately after was painful and contentious for everyone involved. Thankfully, my ex-husband and I were able to work past our issues and have been successfully co-parenting our son ever since.

Are You Ready to Work with Your Ex?

This article outlines a few things I’ve learned from my personal experience navigating the sometimes stormy waters of co-parenting. But before I get into the tips, it’s important to remember how important “self-care” is. Make sure you are getting the support you need to take care of you and your children’s emotional and physical health, particularly if you are currently going through a painful divorce.

These tips may be hard to follow through on if your emotions are just too raw. Counseling really helped me get into the right emotional state to work as a team with my ex-husband, despite our history.  

When you and your ex are ready to work together as a team, these keys will help you on your road to Successful Co-Parenting!

5 Keys to Successful Co-Parenting

1. Have a Set Schedule—and Stick to It.

Wouldn’t you feel uneasy if you didn’t  know where you were sleeping tonight? Kids who shuffle between two homes can feel anxious by this uncertainty as well. Kids crave and thrive within structure. It is very important for kids to know which parent they will be with and when.

When my son was very small, I made a calendar on his bedroom wall and marked the days with red and blue, red for Mommy nights and blue for Daddy nights. We went over the calendar every morning so he would know what to expect that evening. When he got older, he could look at the calendar himself and know where he’d be sleeping on any given day of the month. Having this predetermined schedule made parenting transitions far more manageable for him and for us as co-parents. 

It may be necessary to change up the parenting schedule occasionally. Whether it’s a one-time emergency (like car trouble) or a change in routine (such as a new work schedule), co-parents should work together to accommodate each other as much as possible. Don’t withhold assistance when you know you can help out, and don’t take advantage by messing with the set schedule too much.

2. Be Cooperative and Flexible.

There are countless decisions to be made when raising kids, some small and some pretty major! Co-parents should consult on big decisions and respect each other’s opinions. Disagreements are certain, but compromise is required. Remember you aren’t going to win them all, so to some degree, you’ll have to pick your battles based on what is truly important to you. Don’t stand your ground on something, just to grandstand.

After a while, my ex-husband and I fell into a comfortable state of give-and-take. Everything is open for discussion and we are sensitive to each other’s life priorities for ourselves and for our son.

3. Be on the Same Disciplining Page.

Nothing throws off a child’s behavior more than inconsistent boundaries. Get on the same page with your co-parent regarding basic guidelines like bedtimes, screentimes, curfew, consequences, routines, etc.

I learned this the first time I heard the defiant words, “But that’s now how I do it at my dad’s house!” At first I bristled at the thought that he was doing things differently, because, well—my way was clearly going to be better! But it’s never good to start a discussion with an accusation, so I went the diplomatic route instead. After an open discussion with his dad, I learned that my way wasn’t necessarily better, just different. We were able to compromise on a set of common rules and a general routine that would be followed at either house.

The benefits were two-fold. Doing this pre-empted any more comments where my son could pit me against his father. And again, we were providing my son with the consistency he needed to thrive!

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4. Never Speak Negatively About the Co-Parent in Front of Your Child.

Speaking ill of your co-parent is a recipe for disaster. All you will do is create undue tension and/or confusion for your child. Your kids may feel obligated to pick a side, and that will alienate them from either or even bothparents!

If you disagree with your ex, do so in a civilized manner. Model for your kids that it is perfectly okay to have a different opinion from someone, but still be friendly! If you know a discussion is going to get heated, avoid talking about it in front of your children, even on the phone where they can hear you.

5. Put Aside Egos and Personal Grudges.

Never use your children as pawns to get back at each other. There is no room for cooperation and compromise when big egos and big resentments are on the table. Remember that your priority is your children’s emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. Constant conflict and friction will not contribute to any of those things.

No matter how justified you may be in your anger, always think about the kids first. Think of ways to resolve the conflicts with your ex without involving your children in a negative way.

Parenting is tough. Co-Parenting can be even tougher. But if you and your ex are both committed to your children, you’ll find a way to make it work.  My ex-husband and I are now a great team, and we’ve even “recruited” a great stepmother and stepfather over the years.  We all continue to use these 5 Keys to Successful Co-Parenting to raise our happy, healthy son.

by Pamela Layug Laney