A Day to Celebrate Stepdad

Blended families and stepfamilies are about as complicated as families can get. But when things go smoothly, it has everything to do with wonderful, nurturing, open stepmothers and stepfathers. Our writer shares how her family chooses to celebrate the Step Parent.

One Kid, Two Homes, So Much Love

My 9 year-old son Kevin is a very lucky kid. Apart from having a mother and a father who adore him, he also has two stepparents who love him very much. What makes Kevin’s situation even more fortunate is the fact that both sets of parents get along extremely well and are equally involved in his life. Kevin has grown up shuffling back and forth between two houses, and has never felt any animosity, competition, or even any tension between us. In fact, he has no real idea that for many children of divorce, this is not normal.

Believe me when I say, not a day goes by that I am not deliriously grateful for how things have turned out. Kevin now has two mother figures and two father figures who accept each other’s shared role in raising him.

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Father’s Day

I remarried in August of last year. My husband truly loves Kevin as his own and would do anything for his welfare. Anyone who has seen the two of them interact will recognize instantly the love, trust, and respect they have each for each other. My husband was also extremely gracious and open in accepting Kevin’s father, stepmom, and their child together as part of his extended family.

I knew my son and I had a sweet situation, but I had taken for granted that things were as simple for the step parents involved. This past Father’s Day, Kevin’s dad picked him up from our house to take him on an extended vacation with his family. Kevin excitedly ran upstairs to his room to fetch the Father’s Day present he had made at school. It was a cute a little trophy made from a party cup that bore the words “World’s Best Dad.”

Kevin turned to look at my husband (his stepdad) and said apologetically, “Sorry, but we only got to make one trophy at school, so I’m giving it to my real dad.”

He Will Never Look at Me Like a Real Dad

I can’t imagine what my husband was going through at this moment. Like the champ that he is, he shrugged it off and gave Kevin a hug and kiss before they were off. We had done our little Father’s Day celebration the day before, so I thought everything was fine. But later on that day, my husband expressed to me that he was hurt by it.

He said, “I love Kevin like a real son, but he will never look at me like a real dad.”

Wow. My heart broke for him.

Different, but Not Less Than

Some stepparents are “stepping” into the role of an absent parent. No matter the outcome, they at least have the opportunity to be seen as a true mother or father. But others (like Kevin’s stepparents) are entering the life of a child who already has an active mother and/or father.

My husband understands that his relationship with my son will not be the same as the relationship my son has with his father. This is a fact, and it is what it is.

But I didn’t want my husband to think that his role as stepfather was unimportant and inconsequential. Or that Kevin did not value his relationship with him. Or that because the kinds of love were different, that his was somehow less than the love Kevin had for his father.

Furthermore, I wanted my husband to know how deeply I appreciated his efforts not just because he’s been so great for Kevin, but because he’s been so great for me. He’s always there to support me, hold my hand, lighten my load, and share this parenting journey with me.

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Acknowledging His Stepfather

After Kevin returned from his extended vacation, I had a long discussion with him about his stepdad and what we could do to let him know that his contributions, love, support, and presence were very much appreciated.

We decided to give my husband his own day, completely separate from Father’s Day, so Kevin wouldn’t feel pulled between families. I did a little internet research and found an official Step Family Day, which is September 16 of every year. This is great, but in Kevin’s case, he has two step families, so then he’d be forced to divide the time between families again.

Instead, we are designating our own Step Father’s Day in October, which accommodates our personal calendar. On this day, my husband can expect breakfast in bed, heartfelt greeting cards, and other fun treats that are geared for him specifically. Kevin is so excited to be planning this very first Step Father’s Day, because he gets to decide what becomes part of this special tradition. This new family holiday will be a special bonding day for my son and my husband for years to come.

Somehow my kid lucked out—he already has the World’s Best Dad. Now he’s got the World’s Best Stepdad too.

by Pamela Layug Laney