Is it Misbehavior or Miscommunication?

Leave us a comment: Tell us about your child’s primary mistaken belief.

Attention, power, revenge, or inadequacy. 

A child who is misbehaving is actually trying to communicate to us that they have a need that isn’t being met.  When a child feels their need is not being met, they often turn to “mistaken beliefs.” These beliefs are mistaken because they are an attempt by the child to get their real need met, but they are doing so in an ineffective way. These mistaken beliefs are attention, power, revenge, and inadequacy.

Sneak Peek Lesson from the Redirecting Children’s Behavior Online Course:

3 Steps to Redirect Behavior

We need to learn how to redirect misbehavior. If we just stop the behavior by threatening, yelling or punishing, the behavior will either escalate or the child will learn to conform because she is afraid of the repercussions. However, if we learn how to redirect the behavior, we teach the child to use more cooperative communication in order to get her needs met.

There are three steps to redirecting children’s behavior. They are:

1. Check your emotional state.
2. Understand what your child is trying to communicate.
3. Meet the unmet need or redirect the behavior.

Step 1. Check your emotional state

Have you noticed how your mental state can escalate a situation? I have reacted to a situation where my child made a simple request and my reaction caused it to escalate to the point where my child dissolved into a puddle of tears. Checking in with yourself before you respond to a child is imperative to effective parenting. Parents who are stressed tend to be less emotionally available for their children and less tolerant of the child’s challenging behaviors, and therefore cause the situation to escalate more often.

Learn tools that will help you check your emotional state before responding to your child in theRedirecting Children’s Behavior Online Course.

Step 2. Understand what your child is trying to communicate

Children usually misbehave because their needs are not being met. Do you think your child is experiencing any of these?

• Need to feel valuable
• Need to feel respected
• Need to experiment and explore
• Physical need (tiredness, hunger, or sickness)
• Need to belong or be included
• Need to be taught a skill
• Need to feel supported
• Need to feel wanted
• Need to feel powerful/influential
• Need to feel loved
• Need to be stimulated
• Need to be heard

One of your jobs as a parent is to meet your child’s needs, and in the process they will be learning how to meet their own needs as they grow. When a child feels their need is not being met, they often turn to mistaken goals (or beliefs). These goals are mistaken because they are an attempt by the child to get their real need (to belong, to feel loved etc.) met, but in an ineffective way. Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, in his book “Children the Challenge,” described the four mistaken goals. They are attention, power, revenge and inadequacy.

Until you understand the goal of your child’s misbehavior, you can’t be sure how to redirect their behavior. Unfortunately, no single discipline method will be effective in every situation. You must take time to think about why your child is misbehaving in order to determine what method to use.

Learn tools that will help you understand the goal of your child’s misbehavior in the Redirecting Children’s Behavior Online Course.

Step 3. Meet the unmet need or redirect the behavior

Discover what the child’s need is and meet or address it. For example, if you are shopping and your child starts misbehaving, he may be bored. One way to solve this is to include him in on the shopping. Give him an item that he needs to find in the aisle. Or ask him to give you five cans of soup. Both of these examples are teaching him and meeting his needs for stimulation and inclusion.

Frequently, what looks like misbehavior, isn’t.  Sometimes the child needs to be taught a skill or reminded of a skill. Teach your child a skill and make sure he has consistently demonstrated that skill BEFORE you can expect that he will use it. For example, you will have to teach, demonstrate, role play, and model conflict resolution numerous times before you can expect your child to successfully navigate the world of win-win negotiation.

Learn tools that will help you meet your child’s unmet needs in the Redirecting Children’s Behavior Online Course.