Do you have an introverted child? Do you worry that your shy kid is missing out on all the fun and spends too much time alone? Are you afraid that your child won’t get what she wants out of life because she is too timid to speak up? Introversion in children is not necessarily a condition that needs a cure. It’s part of your child’s personality, learning style, and mode of “recharging.” This article explains what introversion is, and how to nurture and celebrate our introverted children.

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Confessions of a Shy Girl

When I was a kid, my mom used to often chide me with, “Why can’t you have more friends like your brother? Why are you so shy?” I think these comments were meant to encourage me to go out and be more social, but actually they just made me feel pretty badly about myself. Was my worth somehow tied to the number of friends I had or parties I was invited to?

Like many teenagers, becoming popular became a goal of mine around middle school. I befriended all the “cool kids,” took unintentionally goofy, posed portraits with them at the mall (that was the thing back then), and even became student body president. To the outsider, I seemed like the classic extrovert, but the truth was I found it all very exhausting and was uncomfortable pretty much all the time. By the end of high school, I had reverted to my natural state- having a few close friends that I loved to be around, and feeling much more comfortable in my skin.

I’m pretty much the same way now, as an adult. But to this day, my mother still says to me, “Why can’t you have more friends like your brother? Why are you so shy?”

Introverts and Extroverts

Most people associate the term extrovert as meaning more social, gregarious, and assertive, while introverts are thought to be shy, awkward in social settings, and less outspoken in groups. While these generalizations can be true for some, it’s unfair to pigeonhole people– especially our kids– into these strict categories. Carl Jung, an influential psychologist, made the following distinctions between introvert and extrovert:

Introverts are predominantly concerned with and interested in their inner world of thought and feeling. Extroverts are more drawn to the external world of people and activities. Introverts think about the meanings of events around them, while extroverts like to participate in these activities themselves.  Introverts recharge their batteries by being by themselves, while extroverts recharge by being around others.

The truth is, introverted people aren’t necessarily shy, and extroverted people aren’t necessarily assertive. And one certainly isn’t better than the other. My mother got it wrong when she said I was shy. I am not so much shy, as I am selective of who I spend my energy on. Having a few friends I regularly connect with is my choice, and not a consequence of being an introvert.

Recently I saw this funny, but accurate, cartoon explaining how introverted adults socialize and gain their energy (click this link here). It might help you understand your child, your spouse, or even yourself much better! While I’m not quite as introverted as the cartoon depicts, it actually describes my father and my spouse to the letter. (Some psychologists argue that introversion/extroversion is hereditary, and that it affects our choice in partners!)

The Introverted Child

As you could probably guess, my mother is an extrovert. She loves being in the middle of the action and relishes every opportunity to “stir the pot.” Her concern about my perceived shyness most definitely comes from her fear that I wasn’t experiencing life to the fullest!

Many parents of introverted children have the same fears for their children:

• My child will grow up without many friends.
• My child will become anti-social.
• My child will get pushed around.
• My child won’t try anything new.
• Other people won’t be able to see what a wonderful person my child is!

In the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, Susan Cain devotes an entire chapter on raising introverted children. She called this chapter, “How to Cultivate Quiet Kids in a World That Can’t Hear Them.”

Cain writes, “Of course, it doesn’t have to be a bad fit when extroverted parents have an introverted child. With a little mindfulness and understanding, any parent can have a good fit with any kind of child. But the parents need to step back from their own preferences and see what the world looks like to their quiet children.”

But when children display a true fear of new people and new situations, it’s no wonder parents are concerned. Cain discusses several ways parents can help alleviate this fear of the “new,” no matter where your child falls on the introversion spectrum.

Tips for Nurturing an Introverted Child

1. Don’t let you child hear you call her “shy.” Cain advises, “If you want your child to learn [to self-regulate fearfulness and wariness], don’t let her hear you call her “shy”; she’ll believe the label and experience her nervousness as a fixed trait rather than an emotion she can control. She also knows full well that “shy” is a negative word in our society. Above all, do not shame her for her shyness.”
2. When engaging an introverted child in conversation, it helps to make the topic compelling so they forget their inhibitions. Bring up topics that truly interest them, or that can really start an engaging dialogue. Many introverts find small talk tiring, so their responses are very short, thereby terminating the conversation fairly quickly.
3. Expose your child gradually to new situations and people. Cain writes, “This produces more-confident kids than either overprotection or punishing too hard. Let him know that his feelings are normal and natural, but also that there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
4. Don’t force friendships with other kids they don’t click with. There’s a reason your child doesn’t gravitate toward the rowdier kids. Select play dates with kids you think she’d get along with, rather than kids you want her to be more like.
5. Arrive at parties earlier! That way, when more kids arrive, he will feel as if the new kids are joining him in a space he already “owns,” and he won’t have the stress of having to break into circles that have already formed.
6. Bring your child to see her classroom and meet the new teacher before the start of the school year.
7. Teach your child social strategies, like looking people in the eye and standing up straight. Giving hesitant children these simple tools they can fall back on when they feel overwhelmed can make a big difference.
8. Model how to be social on a level that would be more comfortable for your child. Greet strangers in a calm, but friendly way. Get together with small groups of your own friends. He’ll learn that he can be social in his own quiet way.
9. Tell your child you understand how she feels. Relate a story in which you remember feeling the same way. Cain says, “Even if he doesn’t believe you, you’ll signal that you understand and accept him.”
10. Use your empathy to judge when to encourage your child to face her fears, and when this would be too overwhelming.

It really comes down to validating children’s feelings, accepting who they are, and modeling how to enjoy life in a way that works for them. This works for shy kids, outgoing kids, and the kids in between. For children whose shyness is truly debilitating, Cain advises parents to ask their pediatricians for help in locating a social skills workshop or class.

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Finding Our Own Happiness

Cain points out that we like to think of kids “blossoming” or “coming out of their shells” as they mature. She invites us to look at it a different way. Maybe it’s not the children’s personality that changes, but their environments. As adults, we have more say in what our life looks like—how we spend our time, our career paths, our social circles and our partners. We are able to find and make our own happiness, which makes some of us more approachable, chattier, and more open to new experiences of our own choosing.

And there are those of us who will remain as introverted as ever. And they are peachy keen that way too.

My mother may still think I’m too shy for my own good, but she can’t argue with the fact that I am very happy with the life I’ve built and the friends I have. I need to remind myself of this the next time I feel the urge to push my own son into a social situation he might not be ready for yet.

If you’re interested in reading Susan Cain’s book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, you can find it here.

By Pamela Layug Laney