Stop trying to make me happy!

A letter from your child on how focusing on happiness is becoming an epic parenting failure.

Hi, I’m your kid.  I’m the one that you “just want to be happy.”  I’ve taken over Jeff’s mind and asked Facebook to present this post to you instead of that singing cat video so that I can tell you something important about our relationship and my development.

Here is the deal, you are not making me happy, and you are not responsible for me being happy. 

No amount of hot chocolate, toys, and even hugs will make me a happy person if I don’t want to be.  Even worse, you’re so attached to my being happy that I use that attachment to get what I want. 

Remember that time you gave in and gave me that candy in the grocery store line even though I had just devoured birthday cake an hour before?  Or when you bought me that toy to get me off the floor screaming at Target? 

That was all about you wanting to make me happy (and the chaos to end).  I played you to get what I wanted.  I don’t even know I’m doing it.  Even worse, you taught me how to do it because you think that you can “make” me happy and then everything will be ok. 

I know that when I’m pushing your buttons, it sure feels like you can make it stop and make me happy by doing what I want.  Unfortunately, that is only working in the short term.  Some serious problems are developing between us.  The first one is pretty obvious.

I have to be upset to get what I want. 

Sometimes when I want attention, I fake it just to get you off your phone and focused on me.  Sometimes I make myself sad.  Ever heard that if you fake a smile, you become happier?  The reverse is true as well.  I just start pouting even if I’m not sad and I get sad automatically. 

I don’t want to do this anymore, and I need your help.  You see...

You’ve been teaching me, through your attachment to me being happy all the time, that to get what I want I have to get upset first.

I’m starting to think that my happiness will be driven by external motivators and by what people do for me. 

But I’m just a little kid, and those Sugar Pops are so yummy, and that new Transformer toy is the coolest. I really really really want them.  I need you, the adult, to teach me delayed gratification, discipline, and self-restraint. 

More importantly, I need you, my parents, to show me that I’m responsible for my happiness.  That happiness is a result of who and how I am being in the world.  I need your help with this because there are a lot of chronically upset people out there when they don't get what they want.  I don’t want to be one of them.

Don’t worry; I’m not going to leave you hanging.  I have some ideas that will help us get straight again.  I want you to try them on me.  And by the way, I’m not going to be super excited about some of them.  You’ve taught me that I get my way and more of your attention when I get upset. I need you to hang with me and be the adult even though it will be hard. 

You see, my young brain doesn’t know how to manage my emotions just yet.  The part of my brain that regulates emotions is still under construction.  I'll be developing that capacity well into my twenties. 

In the meantime, I’m creating habits that won't work as an adult, and I’m becoming addicted to these bad moods that get your attention. Just like drinking beer and doing drugs, my bad moods give me a big short-term payoff that feels really good.

Yeah, I’m becoming habitually upset. 

This whole “I just want you to be happy” thing is becoming an epic parenting failure.

Here is how you can turn things around for us. 

First, focus on your happiness.  Show me how to do it.  It's hard for me to believe that this happiness thing that you keep pushing for is all that important if you are so miserable.  I need to see you doing things that cultivate happiness in our family as well.  Let's laugh at dinner time and sing and play together. Your power as my parent lies here. You can teach me by doing it yourself. The truth is that I want YOU to be happy.  I’ll tell you why this is so important to me in a bit.   

Second, stop pleasing, praising and rewarding me. I want your love and encouragement instead.  Every time you get in my face clapping and saying “yeaaaaahhhh” I start thinking that I’m doing everything to make YOU happy. It's confusing.  I didn’t believe it was a big deal to slide down the slide for the first time, but you reacted like I was solving world hunger.  You’ve got to cut this out now, or I’m going to be looking for validation to be happy my whole life.  Instead, just ask me what I think and how I feel about what happened.  I’d like to hear what you think, but give it to me straight.  I see right through you when you are not authentic. 

Third, stop making it so easy to resist you. As a child sometimes I just need something to resist.  It helps me figure out who I am.  You are my best option to resist right now. Heck, you are my ONLY option sometimes because you are the only one out there cares enough to create healthy boundaries.  There is a massive problem though

You are teaching me to resist you by being upset.  This is not a good long term strategy!

I don’t want to be the kind of adult that throws a tantrum to get what she wants. I want to be a person that generates happiness from the inside.  I’m learning that being me and getting what I want means creating angry and sad emotions.  What I want to learn instead is that being me means being responsible for my happiness and that getting what I want comes from learning, resolve, discipline, and effort.

Fourth, I need you to teach me that emotions come and go and that how I act when I’m upset is a measure of my character.  You keep rewarding me for all this bad behavior, and I’m starting to think that bad behavior is ok or even encouraged.  It is confusing because you give me chocolate when everyone else just pushes me away.

Most importantly, I want parents that are kind, firm, loving, flexible, resolved, self-actualized and for the most part happy.  I want parents that show me how to live a life that results in happiness.  I want parents that make me proud because they are who I want to become. 

Why do I want you to be happy?

When you are happy, I feel safe.  When you are happy, it is contagious, and I can’t help but feel good.  When you smile at me, I smile back even when I’m upset.  I can’t help it.  Your emotional state is an indicator how things are out there. 

When you are happy, that means that life is good.

I’m not saying you always have to be happy.  You can teach me how to managing being angry, sad, and joyful as well. Why not show me how to handle all the emotions.  You can teach me not to judge emotions.  You can teach me how to feel them and act like an adult regardless of how I feel.  You can show me how to support others appropriately when these feelings consume them just like when I’m having a tantrum.

It's not going to be easy, but I’m counting on you!