Hit the Pause Button: Stop Yelling at Your Kids

We all know by now that spanking is bad for our children, but constant yelling can be damaging as well. How can parents stop yelling at their kids? Here’s a powerful tool that can help parents turn down the volume.

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For some of us, yelling is just a part of family life. We grew up with it, our kids are growing up with it, and they’ll likely end up yelling at their kids. It’s time we break the yelling cycle. Let’s start with why yelling isn’t such a great idea.

Why Yelling is Bad:

1. Yelling is ineffective in the long run as a disciplinary tool. Yelling as a scare tactic may work in the short-term, but it doesn’t address the real problem (which is why you’re yelling at your kids in the first place), and it doesn’t work toward a solution (meaning you’ll probably be yelling again for the exact same reason).
2. Yelling can escalate to name-calling or mental abuse. Parenting Expert Susie Walton says, “Sticks and stones can break bones, but words can break hearts.”
3. Kids soon enough learn to tune you out. After a while, they won’t hear what you’re saying, only that you are angry (again).
4. Children who are yelled at consistently can develop poor self-esteem, which leads to a host of life-long problems.
5. Kids learn from watching what their parents do. So when something doesn’t go their way, don’t be shocked when they turn up the volume themselves. And it won’t be long till that yelling is directed at you.
6. Yelling is noisy and exhausting. It takes a lot out of you to do it, and it takes a lot out of your kids to listen to it. Again, use your combined energy to address the problem and work toward a solution.

Why Is It So Hard to Stop Yelling?

Well, some of us are just hard-wired to be more “vocal” than others. Take me, for instance. I taught grade school for years before becoming a mom and a parenting instructor. People assume I have the “natural gift of patience.” Not so! (Ask my husband.)

My natural state is to be a yeller. My mother was a yeller, my father was more of a “barker,” so it’s probably a safe bet to say I come from two long lines of loud communicators. But that doesn’t make it okay to yell at my son in the morning as I’m trying to get the both of us out the door, which I did pretty regularly until just recently.

Another reason it’s so hard for parents to not yell is because our kids know exactly what all our triggers are, and for whatever reason sometimes they feel like pulling away! It could be because they are looking for attention, or maybe they are expressing their independence, or maybe there’s some other need of theirs that hasn’t been met.

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Press Your Pause Button

In the heat of the moment, it is easy for parents unleash their frustrations by yelling at their kids.  Usually, this happens when we are tired or after our children have pushed our buttons (or that particular hot button) one too many times.  This may even happen when the techniques we’ve used in the past have suddenly stopped working.

While it’s true that your kids know all your hot buttons, the most important one of all is your Pause Button, and the only one who can press it is you. The Pause Button is a popular and effective Redirecting Children’s Behavior parenting tool. It might help to imagine this button is on your forehead. When you start to feel frustrated, you can gently place your palm on your forehead to remind yourself to “pause.”

Here’s a true life scenario to illustrate how this would work:

My son Kevin has left his towel on the floor for the umpteenth time this week.  Upon seeing the damp pile on the bathroom floor, my blood starts to simmer and I feel my face get slightly warm. If I want Kevin to pick up his towel this one time, then yelling may very well do the trick. But, for goodness sake, I want him to learn to hang up his towel always and forever.

As soon as I recognize the anger seeping in, I hit my Pause Button.

 What Do You Do In the Pause?

The pause is the ideal time to assess the situation and figure out what you’re trying to accomplish.  Take a minute (or 5 or 30) to figure out the best way to approach the situation, when you are in a better emotional state to deal with it.

If you find you are still hot under the collar, there a number of things you can do to calm yourself down so you won’t feel the need to yell:

1. Count backwards from 30.
2. Have a cup of tea.
3. Put on some soothing music.
4. Take a walk.
5. Meditate or pray.
6. Do something else you love.

The Pause Pays Off

In the case of Kevin and the Wet Towels, we were finally able to come up with a solution when I was calm enough to talk to him about it. Turns out, he was having a hard time hanging up his towel because the rods were a bit high for him.  We installed a hook at his level to make things easier, and now the towel ends up on the hook a lot more than on the floor. We would have never come up with that solution if I had carried on yelling my head off.

At first, it may take a while to collect your thoughts in the pause between being triggered and reacting, but if you practice, you’ll find that the time will shorten and going through the process will go much more quickly.  You will be able to move from trigger to positive reaction without skipping a beat.

Realistically, there will be many times where we will forget to hit the Pause Button.  We will look back at our reaction and think, “I wish I could have done that” or “I wish I hadn’t said that.”  It’s fruitless to justify our past actions or to berate ourselves for responding in a way we regret.

Neither Kevin nor I are perfect. I still yell now and then. And he will still leave that towel on the floor from time to time, but all in all we are a much more peaceful family.

by Pamela Layug Laney