We do so much for our kids today to turn them into “winners.” Good schools, sports leagues, extra-curricular lessons of every variety. We teach them that practice makes perfect, hard work pays off, and to keep the eye on the prize. This is all great stuff to teach kids—we certainly don’t want to teach our children to be “losers.” But at one point or another, we all lose. Does your child know how to deal?

Teaching Your Child How to Lose

You probably know one or two people in your life who hate to lose. Maybe it’s your child. It might even be you. Whether it’s a game of Tic Tac Toe or the Championship game, some people just have a hard time with losing. Here are some quick tips to teach your kids how to take the “agony” out of defeat and avoid Sore Loser Syndrome.

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Let Your Child Lose.

Often, and especially when kids are little, parents let their children win at every game they play together, thinking that this will help build their kids’ self-esteem. They often load up their small children’s victories with over-the-top compliments of, “Wow! How did you do that? You’re so smart!”

If your kids always win, they may not know how to handle it when they lose. If after a defeat, your child gets mad, throws a tantrum, or accuses their opponents of cheating, then they haven’t yet learned the art of losing.

“Not winning” is a part of life, and parents actually have a great opportunity to guide kids through their first experiences of losing. When you do allow them to lose, show them what it is to be a good winner by your actions and talk to them about how they feel on the other side of that.

Put the Emphasis on Giving Your Personal Best.

There are many sayings in our culture that really emphasize our need to win:

“In it to win it.”
 “WE’RE NUMBER 1! WE’RE NUMBER 1!”
“To the victor go the spoils.”
“Keep your eyes on the prize.”

We get it. It’s great and fun when we do win. But should winning be your and your child’s ultimate goal? As parents, we can help our kids redefine what the “prize” is. Instead of bragging rights or a trophy, the “prize” could be achieving our personal best.

When she loses, and when the time is right, ask what she thinks she did well and what she’d like to improve for next time. Encourage her for the parts you genuinely think she did well at. Having her reflect on what happened in an objective way may take the sting away from losing, while helping her improve her skills.

In turn, instead of over-praising your child when he wins, ask what he did to get that win. Don’t send the message that winning is the only measure of success.

Jeff Everage said it best when he pointed out that Olympic athletes are not competing for the prize of a medal. “I believe these champions are doing it out of passion and a commitment to excellence and being the best they can be,” says Everage. “The medals then become a symbol of their commitment and not the reward.”

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Model Good Sportsmanship. At All Times.

Ask yourself what kind of winner or loser you are. Think about how you react when your favorite team doesn’t win. Do you scream and curse at the television set? What about your behavior on the sidelines of your child’s sports games? Do you yell at the ref of the umpire? What attitudes do you bring home from work? If you get passed over for a promotion, do you openly complain about how unfair it is and how you deserved it more than the other guy? When these types of behaviors are observed often enough, you are effectively modeling how to be a poor sport.

Examples of Bad Sportsmanship:

• Yelling at the referee or umpire
• Blaming others (opponents, teammates, or officials) for losing
• Sulking, anger, and hostility after losing
• Trash talk
• Gloating after victories
• Not working as team, being a “ball hog”
• Having fun only when you win

Talk to your child about the importance of good sportsmanship. The 2012 Summer Olympics had many examples of this. It was so refreshing to see competitors embracing each other and offering heart-felt congratulations to the medal winners. When you witness examples of both good and bad sportsmanship, use them as teaching moments.

Don’t Forget to Have Fun.

Some rewards-oriented people may think, What’s the fun of playing the game if I don’t win? We should be asking, What’s the point of winning the game if I’m not having fun?

When you see your child so focused on winning that it doesn’t look like she’s having any fun anymore, it’s time to talk to her! Encourage her to bring the joy back into the game. Chances are she’ll perform better because she’s enjoying herself.

As long as your child is having fun playing the game, the experience of losing won’t be a traumatic one. If you teach your kids about good sportsmanship early on, they will be better equipped to handle both the losses andthe victories and will be great examples for their teammates.

by Pamela Layug Laney