In this two-part series, parenting expert Susie Walton talks about finding the joy in parenting teenagers, even through the challenges and heartbreaks they go through in these important growing years. Your teen may have a lot to learn, but there is also plenty teens can teach their parents.

The Joy in Raising Teens

Raising teenagers isn’t just about angst, mood swings, and power struggles. As far-fetched as the title might sound, there is so much joy in raising teens. I should know– I raised four of them myself.  My sons and I had a lot of fun through their teenage years, but as you probably would have guessed, there were also challenges and heartbreaks.  This article talks about finding and maintaining joy even through those challenges and heartbreaks.

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What Is Joy?

First, I want to go over the definition of joy. Joy is an eternal state of being– one that emerges from a profound belief in the sacredness of life.  It comes from believing in yourself.  Joy is closely aligned with Freedom because a joyful human being experiences life’s fullness even through anger, disappointment, fear and loss.

The next few stories from my personal life illustrate how we can find the joy through some of the more trying moments of parenting a teen.

 1. How to Be Joyful When Your Teens Are Hurting

When I was 16, my 18-year-old sister had a baby who needed to be transferred to another hospital without my sister who had complications. My dad and I followed the ambulance taking my newborn nephew Andrew to the other hospital.

I don’t know if my dad found joy in this but he treated it like a very sacred experience and was fully present to the need of my sister.  As a result, it allowed me to be fully present to my sister.  My dad cared so much and I was able to feel his caring so I was able to care that much too!

The Lesson: Joy comes in investing in another person emotionally. When you invest in your kids, they also feel joy knowing you’re invested emotionally in their well-being. It shows them that the simple act of caring for others brings joy in itself.

I have experienced those difficult moments with my sons and because I have invested myself in those experiences with them, when they have profoundly joyful moments I get to be a part of that too.

2. The Joy of Experiencing Life with Your Teen

Story: When My son, Nathan, was a senior he tore his ligament in a playoff game. For the next 36 hours we were together non-stop seeing doctors, physical therapist, icing, whatever he could do to get his ankle well enough to be able to play in the next playoff game. I, myself, was thinking it’s not worth it. But I recognized that this was his journey, not mine, so I supported him. I did not rescue him or make him wrong.  It meant too much to him, and he has always been one that learns best from his experiences, not mine!  I remember him on his crutches as he was entering the arena and he started laughing saying, “It’s probably not a great idea to be walking into the locker room with crutches if I am planning on playing.” He handed me his crutches and limped in. I sat in the stands, said a prayer for him and watched him, his brother and team play. He only played 10 minutes and they lost by just a few points.

The important part here is that I stood by him as he went through this difficult journey and he knew it.  And the beauty of this is since I got to feel the depth of his pain during this time, I also got to be a part of the immense joy he experienced as a senior at Princeton.  He was the only senior on his b-ball team, they had a new coach and no one thought they would be good that season. Well, in his final game as a senior, they beat Penn to win the Ivy League title.  To see Nathan and his coach, John Thompson hug and laugh and cry together was incredible.

The Lesson: Because he allowed me to see the depth of his pain, I also got to experience the depth of his joy. That ties into how much he knows I care which allows him to feel the depth of how much he cares!

3. The Joy of Letting Teens Find Their Own Way

So it may seem like I knew what I was doing as a parent but the thing is, I DIDN’T! And that is a challenge and the beauty in the Joy of Raising Teens – the not knowing – because that allows you to be present and open to all experiences.

My son, Adam is brilliant. My challenge was to try to get him to do his homework, and it didn’t work very well as you can imagine. I spent way too much time focusing on that and not seeing how okay it was that he didn’t do it. His argument was, “I know this stuff. Why should I do the homework?” I would say, “You have such potential and if you just handed it in you would have a 4.0!” And he would reply, “And sooooo? Why is that so important?” He was so right.

The challenge was my definition of potential versus his definition of potential. Whenever we are so focused on potential we are projecting our stuff on them. You see, when I was a teen I, too, chose not to use my full potential when it came to studying and homework. I had this idea that it would be in his best interest not to repeat what I did.

The Lesson: Today Adam is an amazing husband and father and is so happy. Today I am an amazing parent educator and so happy.  So really the homework and the grades in this story were not that important. What is important is feeling happy and living your passion!  Boy, would I do that differently if I had the chance to do it over again, but guess what? Me sharing this with you gives you the chance to do it differently!

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4. The Joy of Being Present with Your Teen in the Here and Now

So this story starts off as one of loss for my family. I want to thank my sister, Cindy, for the gift she brought to our family. There are 10 kids in our family.  When my sister was 7 and I was 11, Cindy passed away after 6 months of leukemia.

This was the saddest time in my life.  I loved her so much. She was my little buddy and she thought I was so cool.  To this day I have no idea how my parents handled this, but I do know they felt the pain. Rather than sit in the suffering of it, they chose to move forward.  My dad became more easygoing and spent more time with the rest of us. My mom was always so present with us, and even though I was a rather rebellious teen I knew she was always on my side. Both were such beautiful examples of enjoying every moment with us, each other and with their friends.

They modeled to all of us how important family is and to find the joy in our children, especially our teens each and every day. One of the last things my mom shared with each of us before her passing 13 years ago was to be sure to tell your kids how much you love them each and every day no matter how naughty they were.

The Lesson: Enjoy every moment as your kids go through their teen years. Be present with them, not out of fear of losing them, but in the joy of being with them. Know they are amazing people just trying to figure out this thing we call “life.”

5. The Joy of Hanging out with Your Teens

By the way, contrary to popular belief, raising teens is fun.  I had 4 teen sons at the same time and I loved it. I once took them on a family “field trip” to Oakland during Chinese New Year. We went to the Olive Garden, played board games together, watched movies with them. I even took them to a Grateful Dead concert! How cool is that?

I have always told people my boys are my best friends, and they knew that too.  In fact when my youngest went off to college he let it be known I would have to ‘get a life’ now.  How awesome is that?

The Lesson: Take the time to see what your kids enjoy and make it happen.  Be okay going against the status quo and do what you know is best for you and your family.  You are your own best expert!

Bottom Line: Joyful Parents Have Joyful Teens

So parents, slow down. Let go of your judgment around what they should or should not be doing, and enjoy the process of them growing into adulthood.  Most importantly, model to them the joy of being alive and the joy of being an adult.  How the heck are they going to want to become an adult if they see us stressed out and not enjoying life?

Have joy and have fun! Give teens the permission to see and feel the fun and joy in their lives. Those are the best gifts you can give them.

The good, the bad, the highs and lows:  it is all part of the joy of raising your teen. I have to say, I couldn’t imagine life being any better than being one of my boys when they were teens!

And guess what? You, too, can feel the same way when your kids are teens.

by Susie Walton