This one “advanced” parenting skill will have a big impact on your family.
Full disclosure, I've only used this technique that I'm about to share with you successfully for the last six months.
This is embarrassing because, my parenting mentor, Susie Walton, advised me to start doing it six years ago!
I’ll get into what the parenting skill is, how to do it, when to do it, and why it is an “advanced” skill in a moment.
I've learned that the best advice I give comes from real life experience. Parents, and especially fathers, want to know that I've "been there and done that." Susie Walton, my mentor for all things parenting, has four successful adult children, dozens of nieces, nephews, and godchildren, and now cares for her many grandchildren. It is no wonder we listen to her when she shares her experiences.
My rule is that any change to my parenting requires at least three months of testing before I recommend it to others. Otherwise, I'll end up giving advice on something that plainly does not work in the long run like "time outs" and other techniques that isolate and punish our children.
It is only now, after six months of implementation, that I can share from experience and make a recommendation.
Some benefits from this "advanced technique" are:
- Learning what is on my children’s minds
- Preparing the family for the week
- Remembering allowances
Drum roll!
The skill is holding family meetings. (Susie calls them family councils).
I’m calling family meetings “advanced” because it takes a group of parenting skills at one time to pull off a great family meeting.
Some of the many skills needed are patience, listening, managing, leading, and having the discipline to do something every week. I believe this is why so few families I talk to do regular family meetings.
I’ve personally "started" family meetings three times in the past and never made it longer than a few weeks.
Why didn’t my first tries at family meetings work? Here were my pitfalls that you can avoid.
- I forgot to do it
- I didn’t follow the recommended format
- They were not very fun
- When another activity conflicted, I didn’t reschedule them; - I just skipped them.
- I forced my agenda and didn’t give everyone a voice
- They weren’t fun.
Like most parenting techniques, family meetings take discipline and leadership. More importantly, family meetings take a LOT of cooperation from the rest of the household. Cooperation is the crux.
You’ve got to be the kind of parent that your spouse and children want to meet with to discuss issues.
To anchor the habit and make it a ritual that the whole family wants to do, it must be fun and engaging. Something that they all look forward to doing and get value from at the same time. I’m getting this habit into practice in our family just in time for my oldest to become a teenager. Better late than never.
Here are the basics for a family meeting.
Hold it at the same time every week. I like Sunday afternoon or evening right after dinner. If you must miss a meeting, then reschedule it the following night. About 15% of our meetings are rescheduled to Monday nights. A few more have happened on Tuesday nights.
Use the same agenda every time. Here is the one that I use currently with a little bit of detail.
Gratitude (Encouragement) Feasts - One at a time, everyone says something they love about one family member. Then that family member says what they love about themselves. Go until everyone has had a turn to be appreciated. This is a keystone habit for keeping your family close.
Family Calendar - Have a printed calendar and write in all the important family and school events that are coming up in the next week. Then look out farther into the future to the fun and important events that are coming up. Vacations are always a fun topic.
Problem-solving - Anyone can bring up an issue, and everyone gets a chance to give their thoughts in a respectful way. In my kitchen, we have a whiteboard as a “parking lot” for issues that can wait for the next family meeting.
Set individual weekly goals - We go round robin and set personal goals for the week and write them in the meeting journal.
Review last week's goals - Did someone accomplish their goal from the previous week? Then we celebrate the achievement. Did someone miss their aim? What can we all learn from the failure?
Give out allowance and check progress towards savings goals. This is always a favorite of my children.
End with something fun. Playing a game is our usual choice. Sometimes we have to go right into the bedtime routine, and then I read to them after they are in bed.
Here are a few tips for family meetings to be successful.
Don’t forget! Put them on all your calendars and add in an extra alert. Make sure that you children and spouse do the same. I have this meeting on my work calendar with alerts straight to my phone.
Don’t wing it! Use the proven format I’ve given you or find one from someone that you know has been successful.
Keep them fun! Don’t bring up tough subjects in the first 10 or more meetings. Bring a great mood and enthusiasm and lots of love to the meeting.
Keep it future-oriented! There is a lot of excitement in thinking about and looking at the future.
Calibrate! Different aged children have different needs and attention spans.
Listen, Listen and Listen. Everyone probably already knows your opinions! This is your chance to listen carefully to what your children have to say.
Just do it! Sometimes situations aren't ideal for a family meeting. These are the most important times to do the meeting to make the habit healthy and to practice your leadership when times are harder.
Adjust the agenda over time to keep things fresh and fun!
Share in the comment section below something about family meetings to anchor what you have learned today. If you hold them, tell us what is working. If you stopped doing them, let us know what happened. If you plan on doing them, let us know when and what you look forward to getting out of a family meeting.
About the Author: Jeff Everage is a single father of two boys full time. He currently is president of a company with staff in 5 states and was a prior Navy SEAL with deployments to Asia, South America, and Iraq. Jeff's life changed dramatically for the better when took a parenting class offered by Susie Walton. Since then Susie has trained Jeff to be a Joy Of Parenting instructor. Jeff blogs to give a single father's point of view to parenting. He lives with his two sons in Solana Beach, Ca.