True Parenting Goals

Often we get bogged down by our everyday parenting challenges (bedtime, homework, chores, curfew, etc.) that we forget that the bigger picture is actually of our kids as ADULTS! How is what we do as parents today really helping to shape our children’s tomorrows? Jeff Everage talks about what he wants for his kids, and how he plans on delivering.

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If Only My Children Would…

…Mind me, follow the rules, do as they are told, be quiet, not fight, not get upset, not have a tantrum, use their manners, stay clean, not get in trouble, and do what I want when I want it without having to say it multiple times!

If you have young children like me, then you probably have one or more of these desires on a daily basis.  There are all sorts of behaviors that we want to manage in our children so that our lives are easier.  Many of these come from beliefs that were given to us by our families, community, and TV.

Maybe, instead of managing their behavior, we should focus on developing qualities in our children for the long term.

When My Child Grows into an Adult I Want Him to Be…

A critical thinker, a leader, self-motivated, resilient, a great interpersonal communicator, compassionate, a lifelong learner, a hard worker, fun to be with, passionate, ambitious, selfless, and loving.  Among other things…

When all I want is for my sons to finally go to pick up their toys, it’s hard to remember this long list of qualities I would want for them as adults.  The challenge is remembering that we can accomplish both things– getting the toys picked up and teaching life lessons– if we take time to think about it.

There are a lot qualities on my list, but I’m going to pick three that I think make all the difference in the world right now and some ideas on how I plan to get my children there.

If I could only pick three attributes to bestow upon my children they would be…

1. A lifelong love of learning accompanied with the skills to learn
2. Excellent interpersonal communication skills
3. Self-motivation and ambition-the skill of producing a life they love

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A Lifelong Love of Learning and the Skills to Learn

The internet provides us the sum of all human knowledge accessible literally anytime and anywhere.  You can find a fact or figure in a moment. So why are we turning out children into stressed out kids memorizing everything to pass a test and then forgetting it all? There are many studies that show conclusively that our schools approach to learning actually defeats our children’s desire to learn. What does work for kids to develop a love of learning accompanied by the skills to learn?

• Model it for them.  Show them what you do when you want to learn something new.
• Let them follow their own interest and go as far as they want with it.
• Let them decide how and when they will complete their homework.
• Talk to them about the meaning of what they are learning.
• Ask curiosity questions and wonder with them about how the world works.
• Don’t answer their questions right away.  Let questions linger and create conversations with them.  Answer questions with more questions that leave things unsaid.

Excellent interpersonal communication skills

Technology is rapidly changing the way we communicate.  Texting, blogging, social media-ing and emailing are all “one too many” impersonal mechanisms for talking.  We have fewer and fewer opportunities to talk face to face so this makes the ability to talk to others in person even more critical to master. Some ways to help our children develop this capability are:

• Learn and model communication skills
• Practice Conflict Resolution  at every argument
• Use Family meetings as a safe place to practice speaking to each other.
• Provide sincere encouragement (not just hollow praise) to express their love and appreciation of others. (Try giving Encouragement Feasts!)
• Show and express gratitude.

Self-motivation and ambition-the skills to produce the life they love

As an entrepreneur, this skill is my favorite.  Self-motivation means you work without an expectation of external reward or punishment. Your primary reward is the satisfaction you get from your work on its own merits.  Ambition takes motivation a step further and is the ability to design your future into a life you love.  Some ways to help our children to learn self-motivation and ambition:

• Lots of unstructured free play.  This is critical.  It gives them opportunities to experiment with new things that they think of on their own and see the results
• Practice encouragement and get rid of all praise and punishments.
• Allow them to experience natural consequences whenever possible.
• Model it yourself.  Talk to them about your ambition at work, etc. and why you do what you do.
• Family meetings are a great time to show that as a family you can plan what you want to do in the future and talk about why you want to do it

Reflect on Your Own Parenting Goals

These were my Top 3 parenting goals, but your Top 3 may look a little different from mine. The important part is identifying what your goals are, and making sure that the things you do with your children daily are getting you closer to achieving those goals.

At the end of the day, it’s not about whether or not the bed got made or if the homework got done or if a “Please” and “Thank you” was said. It’s about knowing that when the time comes, your kids will be able to manage their own households one day, find and pursue their passions, and show respect and courtesy when needed—especially when you’re not there telling them to do it.

Take some time today to identify your true parenting goals. What are they and how do you plan on achieving them?

by Jeff Everage